- The Mastery Minute Newsletter
- Posts
- The Art of Listening Deeply
Are you at war with all of existence?
Are you rejecting everyone around you?
Even those you love and who love you?
If you are giving in to impatience and not listening deeply, this is exactly what you are doing.
The practice of patience through deep listening connects you with reality and showcases your love for others.
Here But Not
Many of us have the poor habit of being physically present and mentally absent during conversation.
You physically participate making sure to nod and maintain eye contact but your thoughts are somewhere else.
Just one simple question can be enough to shatter this façade.
Once you realize a response is being requested, you rapidly replay the conversation, trying to grasp any semblance of what was said and how to respond.
But you come up blank.
Why?
Because you have fought the reality of the other person by denying them importance over your thoughts.
Your incorrect prioritization prevented YOU from being fully there.
Why Don’t We Listen?
Why do we allow our brains to drift?
Mostly it is because we are impatient.
Our brains can process roughly 700 words per minute.
But
Most people speak around 125 words per minute.
If we are not intentionally focused on a conversation, our brain will try to fill up its bandwidth with other thoughts.
These self-derived thoughts can take prominence over the information shared which causes us to think more about our own ideas than the ideas being shared in the conversation.
By allowing our brains to drift during a conversation, we construct a reality that supplants the viewpoint of others.
When we don’t listen we are:
Selfish
Listening is a form of sacrifice because we put aside our worries, cares, and interests for the moment
Deep listening is how we learn and participates in others’ experience.
If you fail to listen deeply, how will you know
What your customer needs?
What your friends enjoy?
How your spouse/children want to be treated?
Choosing not to listen selfishly rejects their reality and opinions and gives primacy to our own.
Foolish
A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.
Have you ever rushed into answering a question only to realize you responded considering only a small part of the information?
Did you feel foolish afterward?
When we don’t listen deeply, we operate out of the small amount of information we are given, then fill in the gap with our own understanding.
Answering without listening addresses what we THINK the problem is without taking into consideration what is truly occurring.
Disconnected From Reality
Although we can be driven to create a future that others can’t see (All goals are initially invisible), we still have to operate in our shared reality.
A reality different than your own is just as valid as yours.
For example, if I build a habit of not listening to my wife, any gift I could bring her could become an object of contention.
I am only bringing her what I like rather than bringing her what she wants.
I am ignoring her viewpoint and replacing it with my own.
We can only truly see reality by staying observant.
We see how others move through reality by listening.
Reasons to Listen Deeply
It Increases Your Empathy
When you listen generously to people, they can hear truth in themselves, often for the first time. And in the silence of listening, you can know yourself in everyone.
Listening creates empathy by building an environment where others can share their experiences with you.
After seeing this environment, you may begin to see how the truth a person shares connects to a deep part of you.
It creates a bond that would be disregarded if our listening is on a surface level.
Listening relates and connects.
It Gives Others Confidence to be Themselves
Tactical Empathy - Understanding the feelings and mindset of another, in the moment, and also hearing what is behind those feelings
If a person truly felts heard, it creates a connection.
This connection gives the person the confidence they need to share their reality with you.
This reality expresses who they truly are.
It is the greatest gift someone can give you.
But it can only be received when you are listening deeply and aware of this vulnerable state.
Surprise others with your ability to listen deeply.
Move with Reality
You may be dissatisfied with your current circumstances and seek to change them.
The first move to begin this change is to find out where you actually are.
In the same way that you can not accurately use a map until you find your location, you cannot find a way out of your circumstances until you find out where you are.
You do this with two levels of listening and observance:
Macro - Listening and begin aware of your environment
Where are you?
What do your days look like?
What is going on around you?
What type of people live around you?
What are you seeing/hearing around you?
Micro - Listening to what others you trust say to or about you
How do people treat me?
What do they say about me?
How do people behave around me?
What types of things do people talk to me about?
What do people say are my strengths/weaknesses?
Only by taking time and listening to your environment and the people around you can you truly determine where you are in life.
Once you have accomplished this, you have the information you need to begin sustainable change.
Listening Tips
Here are a few tips and a framework for improving your listening skills:
Conversation is not a sport to be one but an experience to be had
Don’t make your goal to rush your way to victory in conversation.
You may begin to win and find no more competitors
Save your Judgments for After
True Listening is to temporarily suspend disbelief
The only way to learn about another’s reality is to not fight or reject their opinions as you hear them.
See things from their point of view to accurately understand their perspective.
Shut. Your. Mouth.
If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.
Allow a person to fully express before attempting to respond.
To rush your answer is to answer without all of the information.
Tony Robbin’s 4 Tenets of Deep Listening
Eye Contact
Maintain a ratio of: 80% looking at their eyes & 20% looking off to think
Non-Verbal Feedback
Smile, nod, & show recognition to express “interest, understanding, and involvement in the conversation.”
Presence
Keep your brain focused on the conversation.
Connection
Create an open body posture by: Slightly leaning forward, opening your chest, and pulling your shoulders back
Are You Listening?
You don’t have to fight with reality.
You don’t have to walk through life in ignorance.
You can see others’ reality and understand your own.
You just have to listen and observe deeply.
Make it a goal this week to listen deeply more.
Whenever you catch yourself drifting, re-orient yourself.
You never know what you may learn or connect with on a deeper level
In Mastery,
Matthew
P.S. If you are ready to perform at your best and reach your goals, let’s talk about it! Click here to schedule your 1:1 Call
Reply